I am Done

Done. I am literally Done. I made the greatest mistake. This time i don't want to believe any people anymore. Literally. I am going to have my own. From now on, no one can help me. Really. I live better by getting suffocated everyday. I think the life itself already fed up with myself. It doesn't want me anymore.

End of The Day

Hi. I am so talkative right now... hahaha. But i think it is quite good for me because even though i am unstable, i able to maintain my emotional. I don't know because of this writing things or others but i feel it is kind of good progress ! Right now i am writing on my competition paper. To all disappointment happened before, i am going to redefine my view about it as a lesson. Because everything happened was a thing to learn not to be regretted for long time, though it is okay to be sad because of the failure. Maybe i said it was a failure because i didn't win.

But somehow i just realized competition is not all about winning. It is about learning. Maybe i need to be keep reminded of winning is not everything. Winning or Losing is just matter of title but learning is the reason why the competition is held. Keep in mind, that everything to be mine will never pass a mile or an inch from me. I just remembered how happy i am to be able to learn from the competitions before. My mind was about winning, that was a moment i was already losing. I am going to have 2 (or 3 maybe) competitions for the next weeks. i hope when i lose again, i am not going to be very sad or mad at me. Or just losing is always part of me?

No matter how i am trying to forget, it just getting stronger and stronger. Guess it is the heart's doing for caring the other heart. All i can do is praying in the silence, wishing you the best in the future.

Design This and Design That

Being a designer is the last thing i want to do. I am not judging this work, but being a designer is such a hard work because when you already made design for someone, then not everyone gonna appreciate your work. I mean it is going to be hard for me to get rejection by what i have done. Because i am literally enough with those things. Though i love designing, really love it, because it can express what i never able to express in words or emotion. It just tell everything when no amount of words can explain it. Here, my latest work of designs that turns out not get appreciated by people

Logo Made for @Event_UI

Logo Made for @SiapJadiMaba

Look at the dominant color i used to those 2 designs... It's black and dark. And it represents everything... That's what i told about how those designs can explain everything you want to explain without uttering a single word. 

My 3rd Day of My Own Therapy

Hi, Today i made a tough choice actually. I decided to not join Kampus Update program, though i have been selected for first phase from 130 participants... but i am still thinking it is not the right call for me (Actually, i have been a part of Seputar Kampus, and it would make me tired by having 2 works at the same time) Finally, i made the video for XL CEO selection. I know, it turns out bad for the result but at least if i lose, it doesn't matter because i was already trying.

From all of the morning till evening, i was being with my friends doing assignment for competition. I've got to say (again) i am still get no interested for doing anything. All i want is just sleep, sleep and other sleep, so i don't have to know what happened to the world. It just still amazing, i'd able to think and writing like this... because i'd prefer sleeping to this.

Today i learned something, all i know that how i can trust other people right now, no matter how i put some efforts to do good things, it is still never enough for them. I am wrong in their eyes, though i am doing for others. I don't know. Actually i am too tired to think all of these things...

Fri(ght)Day

Looks like i am getting talkative for recent days haha. It is friday, and i woke up thinking the same from day to day. I wish sun light won't come through my room, waking me up to a reality. Still getting messed up with the assignment. Again, i am the one who usually taking this assignment to be completed and finish it very well. But it feels like i don't give a damn of these assignment anymore and i am just doing the assignment poorly. Well, i don't have any motivation either to do it exceptionally. 

Anyways, since i haven't replied my confirmation on Kampus Update invitation, they message me through text and asked me (not privately, the text is written for everyone who haven't replied to them) whether i could attend the interview session or not? I don't know... but let's just give it a try. Maybe i can meet someone new and forget about my problem or possibly having something good day or good experience. 

Yesterday, i also doing some video project with my friends for New Products Management Course (I am not in the video btw) 

Little Therapy

Yesterday when i was blog walking to another blog who suffering from things called depression, i found out that he tried to do writing everyday as his therapy. I don't know, even though he hasn't fully recovered yet but it seems worth to try. Because, i think talking to other people is not really helping you a lot since they will get confused by our problem. So at least this thing won't make someone get burdened by me.

Anyways, on the moment i am writing this post, i am doing my assignment on New Products Management Course. Usually, when compiling presentation from others, i am the one who really get excited and get ambitious to design it as cool as possible. But suddenly, i lost my interest to this thing which really made me happy before. I don't know if little things like this matter. And actually i have another assignment and tomorrow is the due date, but i am haven't done a word on my paper... I don't know. I am just losing my interest towards anything I've done before.

I also got accepted as Top 200 Future CEO in XL CEO Challenge, but i haven't got any spirit to do the next assignment to proceed me to the next selection process. Before of all this giving up things, i am the one who really got big ambitions toward this things. But now... nothing, i feel nothing nor any excitement. And Actually i also got a chance to have interview for applying in KampusUpdate, it is one of emerging campus network social media company and for me i think it was a good chance to be part of it. But.. again, i suddenly have no interest again that thing.

All i care just finding things that would make me busy and hinder me from thinking deeper to negativity. I don't know if i am being ungrateful or not... but I can't push myself anymore to do anything i wanted. I am just afraid of another failure. I am truly afraid of that thing. I don't want to experience failures for the moment. I need some times to heal everything. But i guess, time won't wait me to be completely healed.

Rather than hiding my feeling, i am trying to shut my feelings. Sometimes, it just better to feel nothing, because nothing can make you feel sad and nothing can be taken away from you.

Uncountable times

No matter what i have done in the past that would make everything better, it just went to waste. Uncountable times i am doing my best but rejection or failure is what comes next. Well, to be honest for all of the things that happened, i just can't hold any longer to accept failure. But i don't have any choice either to make it better...

I don't know, it just too much. Literally, too much. One by one, failures comes along. And right now, the failures meet me at once. Is this what people call with Time Bomb? Every minutes pass just make you closer with "the bomb". So i think this what happens to me. No matter where i am escaping or running, in the end i am going to meet "the bomb". Is there any word that could describe beyond giving up? If there is an exact word like that, i want to say that i am doing that word.

All i need is just years of sleep, so i don't have to face everything at once like this. From now on, i give up to anything called ambitions, dreams and everything related to them....

Life is not fair, Literally

In the past 3 weeks, i have built a high wall around myself towards any people, especially that person. This wall just happened to help me a lot in the past. To make sure i don't look back anymore. Actually, i built this wall just because i want to end everything between me and this person. To all the memories we had shared, to all the impossibilities we have and to all things that happened between us. Yeah, for all the 3 weeks i had forgotten everything (trying at least) and it seemed good things was going to happen to my life again. I made up some reason (so i can tell people why we're not closer anymore) was because i had a fight with this person and really hate this person ignorance toward me. While most of the part still true, yet i think it is such a strong suggestion that myself found i am really having fight. And out of the blue, i was sending a letter about how i hate this person and how i want this person know what the mistakes. And from that moment, the wall i had built for a long time been falling apart. And everything comes back to me, all the memories, the joy, the sorrow and the heartache.

So on that day, i gave up again for myself and i don't know but honestly i've been thinking about something every people shouldn't think about. I don't know if i can escape from this reality anymore. I mean, i don't have any place to escape anymore. I can't rely anymore to my thought and my heart, since both of them are destroying and killing me daily. And all i can do just to be involved in very busy activities, which had me left little time to think about anything. I think this is my last feasible choice. Others? I can't think about it. 

Should i tell my feelings? Nah, it would ruin everything more than everything's happened. It is never easy to walk alone in this world. I just don't want to make people around me get burdened by my problem. Every people is already having their own problems which my problems wouldn't be a great addition to them. So, is there any people who i can trust? Or just someone who i can shared with? Perhaps not this time.

Lol, it's quite true :)

I couldn't agree anymore

But when you're up from that falling apart, that is truly you made it.

Had been edited for what i have written is totally wrong. Just never misunderstood the plan your God has made.

"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me". - Imam al Ghazali

Another New Year

Another year has passed again and it was already my birthday again. Finally i am entering my 20th year of life. Thank God for everything that already happened. :) And i wish He answer all my friends' prayer and also they get the same bless from You.

Though yesterday is not the best year, but i find yesterday was happy enough because i find my beloved ones are still praying for my best though i am really not in the best situation ever. Anyway just keep chin up, not all people or friends you can trust anymore so i've gotten to tough myself up for the year ahead.

Bismillah! And happy eid for every muslim in the world !!

Happy Birthday Deya Putra!

On 27th June, about yesterday from this post. My best friend was having his birthday. Happy birthday once again to you, Dea Putra Marindra!!

And Happy Ramadhan for everyone in the world! Wish you are having blessed for a month ahead!! Marhaban Yaa Ramadhan!

Goodbye 4th Term

Finally! 4th term was ended nicely !! I am so happy that i could die. It was VERY HARD term for me. Because many problems came up, then many choices should be made also many things lost and sacrificed. Not to mention, the classes i had taken was difficult and cumbersome. By the end of 4th term it means finally i am having new start for upcoming months. I want to try to spend my holiday to the fullest. I am going to do everything i love and everything i really want to have it done before. It just that how thankful i am to Him, because with His guidance i can stand firmly with every choices i made. Thank God, it was very lucky to me for always having faith toward you. Recent months i was just considering myself to take another university entrance exam for applying medical school for particular reasons i can't explained but turned out i am just going to stick with this major (I do love marketing) haha

Well, on to another side i am trying to be "new me". I don't know how exactly i am going to redefine me but at least starting now i am going to achieve everything i could and try to take many opportunities out there such as participating in competition or learning how to design or coding or anything that seems interesting for me. I hope that would enhance my abilities in the future and so help me to redefine me.

Oh this might be not important but i just want to say that right now i am taking distance with my inner circle friends. Hmm... i am not really sure why i am doing this, but the truth, maybe i just care with someone within my circle and i would do everything for this person's sake but get nothing in return and so i don't want to be involved with this person and related people. It is a hard one to be forgotten because when you love someone's personality than appearance it just make none can help you to forget. One year is quite long time i think for caring someone that never cares about you and maybe i should really stop trying now... i hope so. But if this feeling never fade, i already given all of my faith to Him as Al-Muqallib, the Turner of Heart.

And so the last thing i would like to always remember is "Some Words are better unspoken and some feelings are better remain unsaid" because now i know that not everything you feel can be said :)

:)

From Now on

This is my simple mission. There is no need titles, no need to be the richest man in the world or the famous man in the universe, no need for other complicated mission philosophy, and my mission is to be happy, by sharing kindness and inspiring people around me.

My Worry

I do not know but each day i feel that i am just taken for granted by my friends. I mean they are yet supportive in some times but they are inconsiderate people all the times. I mean, i know that they don't need to be all of the time to be considerate with me or being kind with me. But they are all the time not consider anything about me anymore like my priorities, my thought and things i had done to them only once. I do not know, it is only me that over think again or not but that's all i can say about them. At least just once that you take me as your consideration in doing thing, but you're not. I got disappointed to them and that's all, perhaps i am not going to trust people again for a moment.

Unheard Silence

... ... ...

"It's not the silence you hear every time someone is quiet. It is the reasons, so that you heard nothing"

Note for End-of-April

Seeing people, especially you care so much, changing into better people and having big dreams is quite good view. Grateful for they are able to know what to pursue in the future and have something to hold on even the whole world is falling apart. It is just a nice scenery.

I'd wish that i would have something the same like them.

Anyway i rarely took a note about myself anymore. I am quite get overwhelmed by things happened recently. I don't know, i thought i can handle them but seems everything is out of my control. I just do not know what may happen in the next time, i am just clueless about everything, i don't even know what i truly want right now. More time passed by, i am getting more afraid to know people. I feel that the more i know about people, the more myself estranged. I am surrounded by my best friends yet i feel being stranger to them. Sometimes i just want to be away from them not because they do not treat me well, but because i am not better for them. But just how to walk away without being noticed? And i do not know but i am considering to start hating myself for not being able to overcome everything. Geez, recently i am just surviving not living anymore.

I am trying to solve things, but none of them were worked. So i stopped.
Do i have to try again?

Ambicobs

Errid - Tria - Naufalia - Gregy
Deya - Kemal

This photo was taken in purpose to compare it in 2 years later when we are going to graduate. We want to see if there is any difference or not between today and the next 2 years. Will it remain the same until 2 years later? Only God Knows.

It always were people's expectation that led me up to this point. It always were his expectation, her expectation, their expectation and everyone's expectation that led up to this point. And someday you have to find by yourself what do you really want to do, then got confused, because all the time of your life was just following other people's expectation and you can't decide it what do you really want to do. 

So, tell me if you know what to do in your life? 

Because, i'm afraid what i am going to do is just another escape, won't make everything better.

So let's