Yesterday was delusional

One day you feel you can conquer the world then other day you just want to hide and lock yourself in deepest darkness. I guess this is what happened to me. I mean like I've been happy and ambitious enough start new life for almost 20 days (i did not really count it actually) then few days later i am just very hard to get my shit together. Really, i am kind of confuse about myself, i mean even myself cannot understand myself anymore. I mean who i really am? What i really want? What things make me happy? What things sadden me? Really, i just can't answer those questions anymore. I don't know who i really am anymore.

If there is a thing that should make me happy, i am not immediately happy but rather i am trying to be happy and try to expressing happiness, just to convince it is thing that make me happy. Actually, should not we try anything to express happiness? Then, what am i?

To think, i was so silly that i thought those 20 days were good start for me. It just mere a delusional part of me. Nah, more likely i am just trying to find something to believe but nothing there, nothing is coming to me. Hope, dream, and wish... those are just words. I can't seem remember when is the last time i hope onto something. I am all but nothing now.

If this is a disease, tell me how to cure. If this is an obstacle, tell me how to pass. If this is a test, tell me how to study. But if it is none any of them, tell me it is going to be okay.

Happy New Year 2015

Hi there! It has been so long that i haven't written anything here. Anyways still Happy New Year 2015, though it's already late for 16 days but it's still January, it does count. I wish on this new year i am going to have better life, better experience, and better me. I mean, this year is gonna be awesome because i hope on this year i have my first real internship in big company in the middle of year and also i have finish my college in the end of year. Maybe another resolution that is not really a priority but i want to have it done also in this year is winning of National Competition and hopefully can go to the International Level. Amiin!

Well have to say since my last post on 30th September, 2014 i have gone to private because i have made some confession to my blog and i thought it was going to be my reminder for all the remaining months left but since many big things happened after the last post, i am aware that i have been fool for the last year though i know i learned very much also and it made me stronger until this second. I don't know how to say it but i feel peace right now for what everything happened. I am trying to forget someone that who happened matter most in the past but not really right now. Well it's nice to move on and not to have deal with that person anymore after half and year right?

I don't know, it just very good to have a moment of calm after long long time hardship i have faced. Still, some times i still want to give up so bad but it is not really that stressful like before. Mostly i just spent time on normal mood and that is truly a gift after hardship. Thank God. Truly, I really thank God for everything happened right now.

So, right now i really love being alone. It is so good to not involving other people in your life, i am not quite sure that i am being lonely by just being alone. But it really give me space to think on my own and to rest myself. I am not sure either i want to keep this being alone or not, but right now i just don't want to have deep relationship with someone or having best friend. I just don't want to have that things for awhile. I may change slowly about my circle (hopefully). Maybe it is really the right time to move forward to novel things, new people and new perspective.

And i miss to write on this blog! I will make sure that i am going to spend my time again on this blog and hopefully it is going to be good one not stressful anymore! And Happy New Year once again!