The March

To this second, i am still wondering. What would i really want? 

Is it someone who being there without being asked and keep reminding me life is going to be okay and help me to decide whether i am already doing right thing or not?

Or is it just an internship on my dream company, like BCG? 

or graduating with the highest GPA?

or winning many competitions out there to prove that i am a competent person?

or traveling a lot?

or having great amount of money to be spent on?

or just stay at home everyday, no college and tasks?

or actually is it nothing?

I know

Hi. My name is Kemal Aditya Permana. I've been going through harsh times for years. I always keep believing to the God for everything happened there will be a reason. Even though that faith is minimum, i don't want to lose it. I just want to keep it dear to me. Though i questioned & doubted very much about my faith. I am sure i am doing it right. My mind is totally mess, and i can't believe it that's why through many questions and doubts my mind made, i am still being sane because of my faith. It is just little reminder for me. Faith now is the only thing you can rely on. I know life seems so wreck right now but i believe the hereafter will be better. There will be a time when every pain will be revenged by pleasure.

I know i am giving up on everything, even i give up on my life i'll never give up on my faith. I'll treasure and protect it with at all cost. I know this body only a vessel, his soul has wandered far and still not wanting to go back to his old-self. This body has lost all positive, he never that cheerful anymore, he never so easy going anymore, and he never smile purely anymore. But faith is a big help for this body because it keeps waiting for the soul to be returned. It just like when the moon is always waiting to meet the sun. I hope when the soul is returned, everyone will be awed as same as people get awe by looking the eclipse, when the moon finally kiss the sun.

I know i am shattered to pieces. Taking up every pieces is never done, but those pieces will help me to lose my burden slowly. Even i lose some pieces of me, i believe that pieces will be left for good. Though it will never be the same me, it is going to be the new one. The new entity. Something that have a chance to start life again.

I know i have no purpose of life right now. But the journey of seeking the life purpose is the true purpose of my life. All the time i just want something specifically defined, but i am forget to realize the real purpose is always there.

I know I am having many great failures. But it helps me to know what sad really means and what the difference between sad and happiness. It helps me to collect the most important ingredient of success, the failures.

I know i am so frigging depressed. It helps me to understand other people who through the same. It helps me to know that there are many people need to be saved and there are many people who needs help. And it helps me to not saying stupid to people who want to waste his/her life away.

I know i don't love myself and i really hate myself. But myself is the only one who never left me along the misery. He never run away, he cried together, he feel pain together, he is hoping on to the same thing, and never broke promises or trust. Maybe he is the one who i never realized and consider as best friend before.

Now, all i know is i am going to be stressed and feel delusional again. But, there is still time to help myself before it's too late...

Emotionless

So this is how it feels to be emotionless. You don't feel happy toward something you will be happy if you're normal human, you don't feel anything toward something you should feel normally. I keep wasting my time never get out of my bed. I don't know whether i am waiting for miracle or it's just that i am wasting the time. I mean like nothing is possible anymore, nothing will make good. I am done with myself, i can't hope on myself anymore to have self-motivation. No escape would do good to me either. Maybe it's better to fade away.

Though i am being emotionless, i still can feel one or two emotions. They are sadness and disappointment. Toward me, of course. I am sad and disappointed for who i am right now. Maybe some peoples are kind of disappointed for ever having me in their life. I am sad because i can't feel other emotions anymore, my friend just had met with someone and they're so clicked yet i can't express my happiness toward them.

I wish quitting was easy. But i am trapped. I can't move. I'm dying. I want to ask for help, but i don't even know what help i really need. Whether somebody pull me into their arms or somebody stab me. I don't even know which one is better.

Really, is there any way to get through these?

Woe & Grief

Well. I don't know, what the purpose of everything happened. Guess too much things happened, i can't comprehend them normally like usual people. I am just full of negativity, i am so fcking tired with all of those things happened and of course i am tired with myself. I don't understand God's plan. It seems happiness would never be given to me anyway. Done, i am so done. fcking done.

I am so tired, i don't know what happened anymore. Is there really a purpose for living like this. Damn, i can't show how exhausted i am with this life, words can't described it. All i need is something to rely on. I don't believe people anymore, i don't value things anymore, and i keep questioning myself. Keep repeating that until i don't know what choice i still have. Aimless and literally don't know what i have to do make things get better. Because everything i did was waste, nothing lead to anything good.

I think if it has not been for years, i wouldn't be like this. I am not sure what will happened if the rest of year still like this.

Not-so-first First Day

Bye, World.

Nah kidding. I just want to say that line, because it is kinda cool one to be said like in the television hahaha but surely part of this mind already leaving this world. I don't find any thing interests me anymore. My first day on new term would explain well. Before, i really love study and learn new things but today i don't feel any excitement over the given course. Next, i thought by talking to other people would relieve your anxiety but nay, it doesn't do any good either.

It is just weird that i am losing interest to everything. Watching movies & series, playing games (You don't know how much i love this habit before losing interest), listening to music, drawing, browsing, stalking people on social media (probably), joining competition, shopping, looking for an update information on management things, talking to people, reading. Literally, every things are not interesting anymore.

I don't know what i am doing either. I am just waiting, waiting until everything changes. I know i am no in right position to whine, but hell, it's been years. I am tired of waiting and trying. Could just some miracle happen to me right away? At least, it doesn't have to be miracle, just something that make me interested. It doesn't feel good to have interest to nothing.

Is there really a way to go back to normal? For years, things have been so crazy. Day by day i believe a little less, i believe myself was never enough to do anything, i believe that i do not have that best friend or trusted people anymore. I also believe heart was just very stupid thing to be heard. I believe waking up early is not priority anymore. Though they are false belief but i couldn't find the evidence to believe the other side.

A little less, a little less and more a little less

I would like to say the same with Ted. 

"It's just, every day, i think i believe a little less"

Like i said, i don't have much evidences to keep believing. 

Yesterday was delusional

One day you feel you can conquer the world then other day you just want to hide and lock yourself in deepest darkness. I guess this is what happened to me. I mean like I've been happy and ambitious enough start new life for almost 20 days (i did not really count it actually) then few days later i am just very hard to get my shit together. Really, i am kind of confuse about myself, i mean even myself cannot understand myself anymore. I mean who i really am? What i really want? What things make me happy? What things sadden me? Really, i just can't answer those questions anymore. I don't know who i really am anymore.

If there is a thing that should make me happy, i am not immediately happy but rather i am trying to be happy and try to expressing happiness, just to convince it is thing that make me happy. Actually, should not we try anything to express happiness? Then, what am i?

To think, i was so silly that i thought those 20 days were good start for me. It just mere a delusional part of me. Nah, more likely i am just trying to find something to believe but nothing there, nothing is coming to me. Hope, dream, and wish... those are just words. I can't seem remember when is the last time i hope onto something. I am all but nothing now.

If this is a disease, tell me how to cure. If this is an obstacle, tell me how to pass. If this is a test, tell me how to study. But if it is none any of them, tell me it is going to be okay.

Happy New Year 2015

Hi there! It has been so long that i haven't written anything here. Anyways still Happy New Year 2015, though it's already late for 16 days but it's still January, it does count. I wish on this new year i am going to have better life, better experience, and better me. I mean, this year is gonna be awesome because i hope on this year i have my first real internship in big company in the middle of year and also i have finish my college in the end of year. Maybe another resolution that is not really a priority but i want to have it done also in this year is winning of National Competition and hopefully can go to the International Level. Amiin!

Well have to say since my last post on 30th September, 2014 i have gone to private because i have made some confession to my blog and i thought it was going to be my reminder for all the remaining months left but since many big things happened after the last post, i am aware that i have been fool for the last year though i know i learned very much also and it made me stronger until this second. I don't know how to say it but i feel peace right now for what everything happened. I am trying to forget someone that who happened matter most in the past but not really right now. Well it's nice to move on and not to have deal with that person anymore after half and year right?

I don't know, it just very good to have a moment of calm after long long time hardship i have faced. Still, some times i still want to give up so bad but it is not really that stressful like before. Mostly i just spent time on normal mood and that is truly a gift after hardship. Thank God. Truly, I really thank God for everything happened right now.

So, right now i really love being alone. It is so good to not involving other people in your life, i am not quite sure that i am being lonely by just being alone. But it really give me space to think on my own and to rest myself. I am not sure either i want to keep this being alone or not, but right now i just don't want to have deep relationship with someone or having best friend. I just don't want to have that things for awhile. I may change slowly about my circle (hopefully). Maybe it is really the right time to move forward to novel things, new people and new perspective.

And i miss to write on this blog! I will make sure that i am going to spend my time again on this blog and hopefully it is going to be good one not stressful anymore! And Happy New Year once again!