I know

Hi. My name is Kemal Aditya Permana. I've been going through harsh times for years. I always keep believing to the God for everything happened there will be a reason. Even though that faith is minimum, i don't want to lose it. I just want to keep it dear to me. Though i questioned & doubted very much about my faith. I am sure i am doing it right. My mind is totally mess, and i can't believe it that's why through many questions and doubts my mind made, i am still being sane because of my faith. It is just little reminder for me. Faith now is the only thing you can rely on. I know life seems so wreck right now but i believe the hereafter will be better. There will be a time when every pain will be revenged by pleasure.

I know i am giving up on everything, even i give up on my life i'll never give up on my faith. I'll treasure and protect it with at all cost. I know this body only a vessel, his soul has wandered far and still not wanting to go back to his old-self. This body has lost all positive, he never that cheerful anymore, he never so easy going anymore, and he never smile purely anymore. But faith is a big help for this body because it keeps waiting for the soul to be returned. It just like when the moon is always waiting to meet the sun. I hope when the soul is returned, everyone will be awed as same as people get awe by looking the eclipse, when the moon finally kiss the sun.

I know i am shattered to pieces. Taking up every pieces is never done, but those pieces will help me to lose my burden slowly. Even i lose some pieces of me, i believe that pieces will be left for good. Though it will never be the same me, it is going to be the new one. The new entity. Something that have a chance to start life again.

I know i have no purpose of life right now. But the journey of seeking the life purpose is the true purpose of my life. All the time i just want something specifically defined, but i am forget to realize the real purpose is always there.

I know I am having many great failures. But it helps me to know what sad really means and what the difference between sad and happiness. It helps me to collect the most important ingredient of success, the failures.

I know i am so frigging depressed. It helps me to understand other people who through the same. It helps me to know that there are many people need to be saved and there are many people who needs help. And it helps me to not saying stupid to people who want to waste his/her life away.

I know i don't love myself and i really hate myself. But myself is the only one who never left me along the misery. He never run away, he cried together, he feel pain together, he is hoping on to the same thing, and never broke promises or trust. Maybe he is the one who i never realized and consider as best friend before.

Now, all i know is i am going to be stressed and feel delusional again. But, there is still time to help myself before it's too late...