The truth, i am actually feel bored with this mellow situation hahaha but that's how the story is in now. At the midst of activities, i am doing good with everything, my academic, my social life, my organization and committee life, and really everything has been so good. Especially for the academic, even though i put less effort on some course and i never expect much and even do not care anymore, but thank God i still got very good result. I feel like God has planned for me.Once again, Thank God.
Actually i need someone to talk to about my problems, mostly about my personal problems. But yeah i would prefer to not tell to my friends because i can not speak everything i'd want to. My lips freeze and sealed tight suddenly every time i want to tell to others. So, in the end i couldn't speak anything and yeah, i am trapped inside my own problems never getting others' perspective about my own problems. Seems like very troubled-teenager right hahaha
I just have two friends that i really trusted so much. But still, i can't say anything. At least, one of them always know when i suddenly got quite out of the blue, and the other one always know how to make a good day. To be honest, i feel more distance with one of my friend. And it saddens me very much. I mean, like after all this time, why we got distance. I know i am not quite that smart to your preferences and quite boring indeed but yeah it so happened quickly. I might lose someone who i trust so much at any time.
Then, the "you". I always forgot to mention that actually when there is an application recruitment of Airline's cadet i had taken the form, preparing the needed documents and others thing like you entered the university for first time. Suddenly, i remembered you and whoosh, it just that i threw everything (not really threw it into bin but kept it actually haha) and still thinking that perhaps, i could try it in next year, but for this year let me know you more first. But yeah, it was the earlier month before i get to know you more.
Recently, My mood is really like roller coaster, sometimes it lifts you up until you can touch the sky but sometime it just bring you and feel like to be smashed on the ground. The truth that since the start of the year i feel hopeless with myself, feel hollow and feel unwanted like that. I just try to keep going with my normal life. And by the mid of the 2nd term i feel close to 'dead inside' i mean i do not know to what i can hold on, it is like everything just changed, too fast. Family, friends and colleagues. I can't hold on my life to very close one, like family. I just forget, totally forget, what home feels like. And that's the reason when i threw my airline's thingy, i thought i found someone to hold on, even only for a brief. But at least, i found it.
As time pass by, yeah, i felt better. I moved on from 'dead inside' life to 'full of hope' life. I feel homey once more, and it turned that i got better with everything again. Family, friend and everything. But changes come too soon and it is too fast. I feel like i am striving by myself, now. I put too much effort by myself without getting any return and literally got nothing. I know i am a fool, i even tried to making back a porridge to become rice again once more. Yeah it is so useless and it worsened. And for all this sh*tful talks, i feel more hopeless, unwanted and hollow. Perhaps i just need someone to promise me that everything is going to be alright in the end or at least they try.
*actually sorry for nonsense-talk. It just my way, to express word that never was.
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