Word that Never Was

Word that Never Was just another phrase i had made (Actually i modified from the word "World that never Was") But yeah it totally represents everything. I mean, this blog is intended to express all things that i have never shared to anyone. So most likely, this is another persona of mine. The Introvert side of mine is here. While, The extrovert always stay in public. I won't deny that i am a bit mellow person. I do care with what everyone says about me but sometimes there are things that you can't hold up too much.

The truth, that there were so many things untold, there were so many things being hidden just any words could not come up to explain everything. My friends, most of them, are trustworthy person yet i found that myself hard to tell what i need to tell. So there are things that i would like to tell to my friend, but it just become another silent. I can't explain a word about what i feel inside.

What i feel about now is like a feeling "Where should i go? Does that way? Or this way instead?" I am so confused. I have no a crystal clear purpose to achieve. I do not have long-term goal. I tried to set any goal and objectives but it just a waste. For those outside people may call this like emptiness. I felt this, i mean day by day i didn't feel anything. I just through the day without any feeling. Wake up, study, small talk, sleep. My friends helped me a lot to forget these kinds of thing but in the morning and in the night it just came up again. Every time i sleep, i want to not wake up. I don't want to face the morning. It sucks for being like that.

In my emptiness, i found someone. Someone that (again) i never thought to be important in my life. Someone that makes me feel calm when it was hectic, feel secured when it was not, feel happy when it was sad, feel enjoy while it harsh. I don't know this person could make the feelings like this. But it only when i am with this person, if not, eventually i just come back to who i really am. I thought i had found the motivation even it is not sustainable but at least i found a thing that motivates me.

I thought so... but it didn't happened as i planned. This person did so much things to remember, from simple one like eating together even asking me accompanying in shopping. So much memories we have shared together. Day by day i feel much loved, i feel happiness. But as time goes by all i met was uncertainty, i do not know. I just found that we are too different, i feel so outnumbered. And all we have done now feel like not really memorable and somehow it does hurt. But we still meet up, we still going out together, we still eating together. I do not know, it just feel different. It's okay anyway. Like mother theresa said "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love" i also feel this. 

Actually things went good, but yeah it is still dwelling in uncertainty. I don't know how to face this, because if i leave i'll be back into emptiness but if not i am just getting suffer by the uncertainty itself.  and somehow i just asked myself again and again 

"So I've got one question. If we love someone so much, can we take it that one day we will be apart? And that being apart is a part of life? Is it possible, that we love someone, and we’re not afraid of losing them? At the same time I was wondering, is it possible that we can live without loving anyone at all?" - Mew in the film of Love of Siam.

If you thought this is an usual teenage problem, then you are wrong. You just never know how to be me. I wish it was just a drug problem than this kind of thing. Oh fyi, the Love of Siam film is very good film. I might post about it later soon!

Btw, there is a thing that i still have and i still keep holding on, which is a faith. Faith to The Mightiest is the only thing who could help me to survive this hardship. Thank God, If i never have you from the start i don't know what happened to me. Thank God.