Not-so-first First Day

Bye, World.

Nah kidding. I just want to say that line, because it is kinda cool one to be said like in the television hahaha but surely part of this mind already leaving this world. I don't find any thing interests me anymore. My first day on new term would explain well. Before, i really love study and learn new things but today i don't feel any excitement over the given course. Next, i thought by talking to other people would relieve your anxiety but nay, it doesn't do any good either.

It is just weird that i am losing interest to everything. Watching movies & series, playing games (You don't know how much i love this habit before losing interest), listening to music, drawing, browsing, stalking people on social media (probably), joining competition, shopping, looking for an update information on management things, talking to people, reading. Literally, every things are not interesting anymore.

I don't know what i am doing either. I am just waiting, waiting until everything changes. I know i am no in right position to whine, but hell, it's been years. I am tired of waiting and trying. Could just some miracle happen to me right away? At least, it doesn't have to be miracle, just something that make me interested. It doesn't feel good to have interest to nothing.

Is there really a way to go back to normal? For years, things have been so crazy. Day by day i believe a little less, i believe myself was never enough to do anything, i believe that i do not have that best friend or trusted people anymore. I also believe heart was just very stupid thing to be heard. I believe waking up early is not priority anymore. Though they are false belief but i couldn't find the evidence to believe the other side.

A little less, a little less and more a little less

I would like to say the same with Ted. 

"It's just, every day, i think i believe a little less"

Like i said, i don't have much evidences to keep believing. 

Yesterday was delusional

One day you feel you can conquer the world then other day you just want to hide and lock yourself in deepest darkness. I guess this is what happened to me. I mean like I've been happy and ambitious enough start new life for almost 20 days (i did not really count it actually) then few days later i am just very hard to get my shit together. Really, i am kind of confuse about myself, i mean even myself cannot understand myself anymore. I mean who i really am? What i really want? What things make me happy? What things sadden me? Really, i just can't answer those questions anymore. I don't know who i really am anymore.

If there is a thing that should make me happy, i am not immediately happy but rather i am trying to be happy and try to expressing happiness, just to convince it is thing that make me happy. Actually, should not we try anything to express happiness? Then, what am i?

To think, i was so silly that i thought those 20 days were good start for me. It just mere a delusional part of me. Nah, more likely i am just trying to find something to believe but nothing there, nothing is coming to me. Hope, dream, and wish... those are just words. I can't seem remember when is the last time i hope onto something. I am all but nothing now.

If this is a disease, tell me how to cure. If this is an obstacle, tell me how to pass. If this is a test, tell me how to study. But if it is none any of them, tell me it is going to be okay.

Happy New Year 2015

Hi there! It has been so long that i haven't written anything here. Anyways still Happy New Year 2015, though it's already late for 16 days but it's still January, it does count. I wish on this new year i am going to have better life, better experience, and better me. I mean, this year is gonna be awesome because i hope on this year i have my first real internship in big company in the middle of year and also i have finish my college in the end of year. Maybe another resolution that is not really a priority but i want to have it done also in this year is winning of National Competition and hopefully can go to the International Level. Amiin!

Well have to say since my last post on 30th September, 2014 i have gone to private because i have made some confession to my blog and i thought it was going to be my reminder for all the remaining months left but since many big things happened after the last post, i am aware that i have been fool for the last year though i know i learned very much also and it made me stronger until this second. I don't know how to say it but i feel peace right now for what everything happened. I am trying to forget someone that who happened matter most in the past but not really right now. Well it's nice to move on and not to have deal with that person anymore after half and year right?

I don't know, it just very good to have a moment of calm after long long time hardship i have faced. Still, some times i still want to give up so bad but it is not really that stressful like before. Mostly i just spent time on normal mood and that is truly a gift after hardship. Thank God. Truly, I really thank God for everything happened right now.

So, right now i really love being alone. It is so good to not involving other people in your life, i am not quite sure that i am being lonely by just being alone. But it really give me space to think on my own and to rest myself. I am not sure either i want to keep this being alone or not, but right now i just don't want to have deep relationship with someone or having best friend. I just don't want to have that things for awhile. I may change slowly about my circle (hopefully). Maybe it is really the right time to move forward to novel things, new people and new perspective.

And i miss to write on this blog! I will make sure that i am going to spend my time again on this blog and hopefully it is going to be good one not stressful anymore! And Happy New Year once again!

I am Done

Done. I am literally Done. I made the greatest mistake. This time i don't want to believe any people anymore. Literally. I am going to have my own. From now on, no one can help me. Really. I live better by getting suffocated everyday. I think the life itself already fed up with myself. It doesn't want me anymore.

End of The Day

Hi. I am so talkative right now... hahaha. But i think it is quite good for me because even though i am unstable, i able to maintain my emotional. I don't know because of this writing things or others but i feel it is kind of good progress ! Right now i am writing on my competition paper. To all disappointment happened before, i am going to redefine my view about it as a lesson. Because everything happened was a thing to learn not to be regretted for long time, though it is okay to be sad because of the failure. Maybe i said it was a failure because i didn't win.

But somehow i just realized competition is not all about winning. It is about learning. Maybe i need to be keep reminded of winning is not everything. Winning or Losing is just matter of title but learning is the reason why the competition is held. Keep in mind, that everything to be mine will never pass a mile or an inch from me. I just remembered how happy i am to be able to learn from the competitions before. My mind was about winning, that was a moment i was already losing. I am going to have 2 (or 3 maybe) competitions for the next weeks. i hope when i lose again, i am not going to be very sad or mad at me. Or just losing is always part of me?

No matter how i am trying to forget, it just getting stronger and stronger. Guess it is the heart's doing for caring the other heart. All i can do is praying in the silence, wishing you the best in the future.

Design This and Design That

Being a designer is the last thing i want to do. I am not judging this work, but being a designer is such a hard work because when you already made design for someone, then not everyone gonna appreciate your work. I mean it is going to be hard for me to get rejection by what i have done. Because i am literally enough with those things. Though i love designing, really love it, because it can express what i never able to express in words or emotion. It just tell everything when no amount of words can explain it. Here, my latest work of designs that turns out not get appreciated by people

Logo Made for @Event_UI

Logo Made for @SiapJadiMaba

Look at the dominant color i used to those 2 designs... It's black and dark. And it represents everything... That's what i told about how those designs can explain everything you want to explain without uttering a single word.