My 3rd Day of My Own Therapy

Hi, Today i made a tough choice actually. I decided to not join Kampus Update program, though i have been selected for first phase from 130 participants... but i am still thinking it is not the right call for me (Actually, i have been a part of Seputar Kampus, and it would make me tired by having 2 works at the same time) Finally, i made the video for XL CEO selection. I know, it turns out bad for the result but at least if i lose, it doesn't matter because i was already trying.

From all of the morning till evening, i was being with my friends doing assignment for competition. I've got to say (again) i am still get no interested for doing anything. All i want is just sleep, sleep and other sleep, so i don't have to know what happened to the world. It just still amazing, i'd able to think and writing like this... because i'd prefer sleeping to this.

Today i learned something, all i know that how i can trust other people right now, no matter how i put some efforts to do good things, it is still never enough for them. I am wrong in their eyes, though i am doing for others. I don't know. Actually i am too tired to think all of these things...

Fri(ght)Day

Looks like i am getting talkative for recent days haha. It is friday, and i woke up thinking the same from day to day. I wish sun light won't come through my room, waking me up to a reality. Still getting messed up with the assignment. Again, i am the one who usually taking this assignment to be completed and finish it very well. But it feels like i don't give a damn of these assignment anymore and i am just doing the assignment poorly. Well, i don't have any motivation either to do it exceptionally. 

Anyways, since i haven't replied my confirmation on Kampus Update invitation, they message me through text and asked me (not privately, the text is written for everyone who haven't replied to them) whether i could attend the interview session or not? I don't know... but let's just give it a try. Maybe i can meet someone new and forget about my problem or possibly having something good day or good experience. 

Yesterday, i also doing some video project with my friends for New Products Management Course (I am not in the video btw) 

Little Therapy

Yesterday when i was blog walking to another blog who suffering from things called depression, i found out that he tried to do writing everyday as his therapy. I don't know, even though he hasn't fully recovered yet but it seems worth to try. Because, i think talking to other people is not really helping you a lot since they will get confused by our problem. So at least this thing won't make someone get burdened by me.

Anyways, on the moment i am writing this post, i am doing my assignment on New Products Management Course. Usually, when compiling presentation from others, i am the one who really get excited and get ambitious to design it as cool as possible. But suddenly, i lost my interest to this thing which really made me happy before. I don't know if little things like this matter. And actually i have another assignment and tomorrow is the due date, but i am haven't done a word on my paper... I don't know. I am just losing my interest towards anything I've done before.

I also got accepted as Top 200 Future CEO in XL CEO Challenge, but i haven't got any spirit to do the next assignment to proceed me to the next selection process. Before of all this giving up things, i am the one who really got big ambitions toward this things. But now... nothing, i feel nothing nor any excitement. And Actually i also got a chance to have interview for applying in KampusUpdate, it is one of emerging campus network social media company and for me i think it was a good chance to be part of it. But.. again, i suddenly have no interest again that thing.

All i care just finding things that would make me busy and hinder me from thinking deeper to negativity. I don't know if i am being ungrateful or not... but I can't push myself anymore to do anything i wanted. I am just afraid of another failure. I am truly afraid of that thing. I don't want to experience failures for the moment. I need some times to heal everything. But i guess, time won't wait me to be completely healed.

Rather than hiding my feeling, i am trying to shut my feelings. Sometimes, it just better to feel nothing, because nothing can make you feel sad and nothing can be taken away from you.

Uncountable times

No matter what i have done in the past that would make everything better, it just went to waste. Uncountable times i am doing my best but rejection or failure is what comes next. Well, to be honest for all of the things that happened, i just can't hold any longer to accept failure. But i don't have any choice either to make it better...

I don't know, it just too much. Literally, too much. One by one, failures comes along. And right now, the failures meet me at once. Is this what people call with Time Bomb? Every minutes pass just make you closer with "the bomb". So i think this what happens to me. No matter where i am escaping or running, in the end i am going to meet "the bomb". Is there any word that could describe beyond giving up? If there is an exact word like that, i want to say that i am doing that word.

All i need is just years of sleep, so i don't have to face everything at once like this. From now on, i give up to anything called ambitions, dreams and everything related to them....

Life is not fair, Literally

In the past 3 weeks, i have built a high wall around myself towards any people, especially that person. This wall just happened to help me a lot in the past. To make sure i don't look back anymore. Actually, i built this wall just because i want to end everything between me and this person. To all the memories we had shared, to all the impossibilities we have and to all things that happened between us. Yeah, for all the 3 weeks i had forgotten everything (trying at least) and it seemed good things was going to happen to my life again. I made up some reason (so i can tell people why we're not closer anymore) was because i had a fight with this person and really hate this person ignorance toward me. While most of the part still true, yet i think it is such a strong suggestion that myself found i am really having fight. And out of the blue, i was sending a letter about how i hate this person and how i want this person know what the mistakes. And from that moment, the wall i had built for a long time been falling apart. And everything comes back to me, all the memories, the joy, the sorrow and the heartache.

So on that day, i gave up again for myself and i don't know but honestly i've been thinking about something every people shouldn't think about. I don't know if i can escape from this reality anymore. I mean, i don't have any place to escape anymore. I can't rely anymore to my thought and my heart, since both of them are destroying and killing me daily. And all i can do just to be involved in very busy activities, which had me left little time to think about anything. I think this is my last feasible choice. Others? I can't think about it. 

Should i tell my feelings? Nah, it would ruin everything more than everything's happened. It is never easy to walk alone in this world. I just don't want to make people around me get burdened by my problem. Every people is already having their own problems which my problems wouldn't be a great addition to them. So, is there any people who i can trust? Or just someone who i can shared with? Perhaps not this time.

Lol, it's quite true :)

I couldn't agree anymore

But when you're up from that falling apart, that is truly you made it.

Had been edited for what i have written is totally wrong. Just never misunderstood the plan your God has made.

"Never have I dealt with anything more difficult than my soul, which sometimes helps me and sometimes opposes me". - Imam al Ghazali